1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,416
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

2
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,816
After their disappointing results,

3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,016
legendary manager Cesare
is certainly under pressure.

4
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,736
One of the greatest
managers of our time,

5
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,696
but it's been a while
since he's won anything.

6
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,736
Well, if his team carry on
performing like that,

7
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,136
the next thing Cesare will write

8
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,856
in that famous notebook is his
memoirs.

9
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,616
Why haven't the club made one
signing?

10
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,256
Not one signing!

11
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,536
The transfer window closes in five
hours.

12
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,016
We're getting the news that one late
move may be happening.

13
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,856
Have they? Yes. Who? Who?

14
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,896
Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.

15
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,520
This could be them now.

16
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,296
No, I don't recognise them. False
alarm.

17
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,400
Er, it's a dream come true.

18
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,496
But a surprise for sure.

19
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:44,976
Total shock.

20
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,496
I can't think of another player
who has made a leap like this

21
00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,656
and I can't wait to meet Cesare
and ask him what he was thinking.

22
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,560
Cough.

23
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,920
Cough.

24
00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,160
Right, cough.

25
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,936
Is everything all right, Doctor?

26
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,816
I have to pass this medical.

27
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,576
I need you to cough again -
this time while I hold your penis.

28
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,856
Cough.

29
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,536
Mattie Sullivan, our new signing.
How are you doing?

30
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,456
Sorry, could you give us a minute,
please?

31
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,696
Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.

32
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,736
Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons,
right?

33
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,936
Er... er, jumbotrons?
Jumbotrons.

34
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,536
Big screens at the stadium.

35
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,816
We're building the biggest jumbotron
in the world.

36
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,176
It's expensive,
hence no marquee signings this year,

37
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,576
but we will have a jumbotron
bigger than the pitch.

38
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:35,976
Bigger than the pitch?

39
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,416
Biggest in the world.

40
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,896
Bigger than life-size.

41
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,360
Why would you need that?

42
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,536
A jumbotron bigger than the pitch

43
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,816
above one of the stands.

44
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,256
OK, there's the actual pitch and

45
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,536
then a slightly bigger version of
the pitch

46
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,816
showing the same game... just above
it?

47
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,376
I knew you'd get it.

48
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,656
Well, come see me in my office after
this and we'll get you signed.

49
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,416
If you pass.

50
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,840
If you fail, then I guess this is
goodbye.

51
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,960
Cough.

52
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,520
Aguero!

53
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,936
Well, no, I'd not heard of him
either.

54
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,976
American. Yeah.

55
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,816
Well, you know, raise the profile,
sell some shirts back home.

56
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,136
Exactly.

57
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,976
Yeah.

58
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,416
Well, he might suck, yeah.

59
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,176
I know.

60
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,216
All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.

61
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,376
OK. Let's get you signed.

62
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,856
Oh, is the manager not going to be
here, Mr Crane?

63
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,456
Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.

64
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:48,936
Sadly, no.

65
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,416
Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager,
won't be present.

66
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,056
Oh. OK.

67
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,000
Sign here, here and here, please.

68
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,576
Wow, I've got to say, when I heard

69
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,896
there was an American international
available,

70
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,256
I jumped at the chance.

71
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,056
Oh, I don't play for the US national
team.

72
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,536
US men's team. You play for the US
men's team.

73
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,880
No, I haven't been selected... yet!

74
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,656
So I just signed an American

75
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,520
who's not even an international?

76
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,376
Yeah, Danielle, can you get me
Jonathan?

77
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,296
Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.

78
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,680
Thank you.

79
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,136
OK, Mattie, well, I've got some
urgent legal stuff to deal with,

80
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,880
so I will see you tomorrow

81
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,800
maybe.

82
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,816
Yes! Benjamin, are you messaging

83
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,496
those pornographic women again?
She's an influencer.

84
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,256
It's pornography. Look at this girl.

85
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,776
Filthy and dirty.
Think of what you could catch.

86
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,736
Are you listening to me?

87
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,776
You only work one hour a day.
Still you're going to be late.

88
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,416
You could have been a doctor.
Why are you not a doctor?

89
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,376
Oh, come on. Get out of here.

90
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,096
If I slap you.

91
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,960
Bye, Mum. Love you.

92
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,176
Suck my dick.
Just press the button, will you?

93
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,176
Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm
going. Nah, come on, mate.

94
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,256
It's only 3-0. I can get this
back.

95
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,736
Nah, I've got to get to school.

96
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,456
Shit, what time's it? 8.50.

97
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,416
Ah, you're joking! I'm late for
work.

98
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,816
You've got a job?
Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.

99
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,680
You're a grown-up
and you're in your pants? Mum!

100
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,040
Oh, no way, man.

101
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,016
Whose car's this?

102
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,856
It's mine. Is it fuck.

103
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,056
Why'd you stop me?
Because we can

104
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,016
and because your car is blinding
peop...

105
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,656
Wait a minute.

106
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,496
Are you Benji Achebe?

107
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,056
Y-Yeah.

108
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,776
I knew it.

109
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,600
Take a look at this.

110
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,776
I've had a season ticket for 20
years.

111
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,696
So cool to meet you, mate.

112
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,336
He's not a fan.

113
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:57,816
He thinks we're shit.

114
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,296
"Yeah, Cesare used to be good,
but what's he won recently?"

115
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,896
That's what you say, innit?

116
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,216
"Coming sixth for eight years
isn't a trophy,"

117
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,016
that's what he says. Prick.

118
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,736
Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.

119
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,456
Yeah, we just need to see your
insurance, please.

120
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,696
Yeah, we will need to see your
insurance.

121
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,416
Look, the thing is, I haven't got
insurance for this exact car.

122
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,016
I mean, at my age,
it's so expensive, it's a crime.

123
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,496
Hey, that's what you should
be investigating.

124
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,096
Ha-ha, no doubt. Yeah.

125
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,016
So, we can work this out, huh?

126
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,656
Why don't I get you a couple
of tickets to the game Saturday?

127
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,256
As my guest.

128
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,936
Get a bit of VIP treatment.

129
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,216
I would love that. Yeah, it would be
decent, actually.

130
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,896
Be good to watch you lose.

131
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,296
What's he like?

132
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,976
All right. Sweet. No problem.

133
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,336
I'll leave the tickets
and the passes at the box office.

134
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,096
Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.

135
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,496
What? Benji!

136
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,800
You haven't got any insurance.

137
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,136
So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,

138
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,176
which encompasses a number of
things.

139
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,016
Obviously, you need to clear it with
me

140
00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,736
before you speak to any journalists,

141
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,576
but I'll also be your best friend,
Mattie.

142
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,896
I'll do anything for you.
Thank you. Thanks.

143
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,656
I was really hoping that...

144
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,376
But one day I will stab you in the
back.

145
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,776
You can trust me entirely.

146
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,096
My door is always open.

147
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,776
I'm here for you.

148
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,456
You mentioned backstabbing.

149
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,976
But know this

150
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,016
I work for the club and if, for
example,

151
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,856
they want me to turn the fans
against you,

152
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,216
I'll do it immediately.

153
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,256
And you're here to welcome me?

154
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,856
I am. Any questions?

155
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,576
Will Cesare be at the press
conference?

156
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,056
Press conference for what?

157
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,736
My signing. Me signing for the club.

158
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,216
Oh, there isn't one.

159
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,216
Really? Why not?

160
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,696
Don't think anyone would come, do
you?

161
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,376
You came back, which is brave.

162
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,696
Oh, Chris, can you show
our new signing, as of now, around?

163
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,976
This is Chris Booth.
He's our Head of Press.

164
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,096
Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows
that.

165
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,816
Er, Chris, this is...
Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.

166
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,976
Yeah, great to meet you.
Great to meet you too.

167
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,696
Oh, great to meet you.

168
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,416
Oh, just said that, didn't I?

169
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,976
Wally.

170
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,776
Well, what a treat, eh?

171
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,016
Our young signing from America.

172
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,560
He's not an American international.

173
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,856
Jonathan, thank God.
Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.

174
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,576
Right, well, let's show you around
the training facility, shall we?

175
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,816
Oh, this is where the kit man is.

176
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,360
He's a great guy.

177
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,400
Fuck off.

178
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,456
And this is the car park.

179
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,976
Lots of cars here.

180
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,616
All making sense so far?

181
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,496
Yep, it's the car park.

182
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:35,576
Chris, I've not met Cesare yet
and I'm just getting a bit worried.

183
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,416
Do you know why he signed me?

184
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,856
I imagine cos you're bloody
brilliant, aren't you?

185
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,416
I don't know.

186
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,936
Am I good enough for this level?

187
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,656
Mattie, do you know
what they say about here?

188
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,136
No?

189
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,816
Trust in Cesare.

190
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,776
Trust... in Cesare.

191
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,336
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, he's meticulous, right?

192
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,336
Those books that he writes in, the
hundreds of notes he takes all game

193
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,816
I imagine you've learned so much
from them.

194
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,856
Nah, never seen them. The boss, he
keeps his notes very close to his

195
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,616
chest. Such an enigma.
But I owe that man everything.

196
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,536
When my knee injury ended my career,

197
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,496
he got me straight on the coaching
staff.

198
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,376
It's bloody hard work, though,
coaching.

199
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,896
My wife's not happy.

200
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,216
Hardly ever sees me.

201
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,856
Or maybe she's happier.

202
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,480
Ahh...

203
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,680
Every marriage has
its ups and downs, doesn't it?

204
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,976
Oh, I'd better go and deal with
this.

205
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,896
The dressing rooms are over there.
Great bunch of pros.

206
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,560
Like, eugh! Banter.

207
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,656
Hey, guys.

208
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,456
Mattie Sullivan.

209
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,856
Just signed.

210
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,576
From Sporting Kansas.

211
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,216
It's in the MLS. The American
league.

212
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,736
You guys know what the MLS is.

213
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,216
Great.

214
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,096
Ah!

215
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,336
Bonjour. Vous etes francais?

216
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,656
Je m'appelle Mattie.

217
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,256
I just picked up a few words in

218
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,680
every language - just a way to make
friends.

219
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,136
Well, I guess I'd better find a
spot, then.

220
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,176
Don't sit there. That's Carlos'
place.

221
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,960
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.

222
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,896
Alors! Non, non, pas la.
OK. Right, right, right.

223
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,640
Er...

224
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,960
No! OK. Oh, OK. OK.

225
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,576
Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.

226
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,800
Oh. Thanks.

227
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,336
That's my fucking seat!

228
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,816
Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.

229
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,496
Read my lips.

230
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,136
That is my seat.

231
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,736
Don't have to read your lips, cos I

232
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,616
can hear the noise your mouth is
making.

233
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,576
Are you disrespecting me?

234
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,376
Is that what you're doing?

235
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,936
No, but it's a little bit hard to

236
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,376
take you seriously, as you are
completely naked.

237
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,536
Yeah, what's funny about that? My
dick?

238
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:00,776
No, course not.

239
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,520
You steal my seat, then laugh at my
dick.

240
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,416
I've got a very long foreskin.

241
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:08,976
Is that funny?

242
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,576
No, I didn't know that.
Do you want me to look?

243
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,336
Do I want you to look at my dick?

244
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,816
This is banter, right?

245
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,736
Is this banter?!

246
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,776
Ah, stop mucking about, you two.
Come on. Let's get out there.

247
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,200
Mattie, come on.
Don't want to be late on day one.

248
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,560
Er... er, Petey.

249
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,736
Don't tell me what to do.

250
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,640
You didn't when we played together.
Don't now.

251
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,400
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.

252
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,256
No, listen, right? Results are

253
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,096
terrible and they finish training at
12.

254
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,136
What do they do all day? Train more.

255
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,576
And what if they get injured?
Don't get injured.

256
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,680
I wouldn't mind doing a job where I
do half a day's work on their wages.

257
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,696
Excuse me! Jack!

258
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,096
Now, come on, mate, please. I need
them.

259
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,336
Then buy your own.

260
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,720
You've got the money.

261
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,416
Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine.

262
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,456
He caught me.

263
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,496
You were stealing toilet paper.
Borrowing.

264
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,376
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet
paper.

265
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,056
Have you not got any at home?

266
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,256
No, I don't buy it. It's
embarrassing, innit?

267
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,416
What if someone saw me?

268
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,456
They might think that, like every
other human on Earth, you excrete.

269
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,416
Exactly. Embarrassing.

270
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,776
Jack, are you telling me you've

271
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,656
never bought toilet paper, not even
online?

272
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:29,896
Oh, mate, that's way worse.

273
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,576
A stranger coming to your house
with a big box of shit paper.

274
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,096
This might seem like a weird
question as we've just met,

275
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,856
but where are you pooing, then,
Jack?

276
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,216
Er, usually at work.

277
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,976
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs

278
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,296
for a treat, but I weren't feeling
it today.

279
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,936
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line

280
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,736
here, but do you want me to help
you,

281
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,216
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?

282
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,776
Yeah.

283
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,216
Yeah, you can do, if you like.

284
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,016
Me car's parked in the car park.

285
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,776
And this is the car park.

286
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,176
Yo, Jack! Yes, mate.

287
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,456
Got a spare ticket for Saturday?
I need one.

288
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,856
Both of mine are going free.

289
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,376
I don't have anyone to...
Nice one. Cheers.

290
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,736
Going to show this Instagram hottie
the time of her life.

291
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,336
What have you done with your
tickets?

292
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,616
Gave them to the Old Bill.
Charity? Sort of.

293
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,056
What are you doing now, then? Mum's

294
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,856
not picking me up for the next three
hours.

295
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,216
Oh, your mom still picks you up?

296
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,016
She's normally more reliable than
this.

297
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,016
Why not get an Uber?
I can't, because...

298
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,936
And it's so unfair... They won't
pick me up, cos my rating's so low.

299
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,576
I've never heard of that.

300
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,056
I book the car, right?

301
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,016
So for that amount of time, that's
my car.

302
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,056
If I get caught short
and I need to piss in a car,

303
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,736
in a bottle, then that's my car.

304
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,696
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying
to spill any. I barely spilled any.

305
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,936
OK. I'm Mattie, by the way.
I know.

306
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,336
The only player who signed in the
transfer window.

307
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,976
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?

308
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,176
Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the
cash-and-carry.

309
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,880
Mattie's going to help me
buy my first-ever bog roll.

310
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,776
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.

311
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,096
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work
to wipe your cheeks

312
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,536
has got to be more embarrassing.

313
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,296
I can't imagine doing this all the
time.

314
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,856
Which is why we're going to buy you

315
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,816
enough toilet paper to last until
you're 30,

316
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,736
by which time, I assume,
you'll be married.

317
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,376
Hope so. So you're now, what,
21?

318
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,016
Yeah, just. So that's nine years.

319
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,816
52 weeks in a year. Let's say two
rolls a week. 104.

320
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,256
104 times 9. What's that?

321
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,600
Joking, aren't you?

322
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,416
It's 936. So all you need to do
is buy 936 rolls.

323
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,736
Fine, just be quick.
Bro, this is tragic.

324
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,696
I'm glad my new girlfriend
don't shop here.

325
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,056
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?

326
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,376
Me? No. Single, yeah? Playa!

327
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,616
So when was the last time
you got some action, then?

328
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,256
Well, if by action you mean sex,
then, I guess, probably 2017.

329
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,016
What?! The year 2017.

330
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,936
Yeah. So you're a virgin?

331
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,456
No, because I've had sex.

332
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,096
But it's been so long, you're
basically a virgin. Not really.

333
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,096
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.

334
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,656
Or born-again virgin.

335
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,416
It's a self-imposed dry patch.

336
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,216
I've been focusing on my career.

337
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,976
Jack Turner? Er, yeah.

338
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,976
I saw you play the other day
against Sunderland in the cup.

339
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,256
Yeah.
You were absolutely diabolical.

340
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,176
You strolled around, half-arsing
tackles.

341
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,816
You don't care about the club,
about the badge.

342
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,696
You lot, you just get it handed to
you - massive wages, easy life.

343
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,416
Turn up... not bothered.

344
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,456
You, sir, have no idea
what you're talking about.

345
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,176
I've supported this team for 25
years.

346
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,416
I have watched and suffered as
people like him destroy this club.

347
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,656
You've suffered? Mmm.
You've suffered?

348
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,536
For years, Jack Turner has woken up
at six in the morning to train,

349
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,536
muscles aching from the day before.

350
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,856
Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.

351
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,896
But every night he goes to bed
sober.

352
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,376
He sacrifices a normal life
to entertain you.

353
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,296
Yes, he gets paid well, but his

354
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,816
career could be ended by one bad
tackle

355
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:41,376
and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying

356
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,216
936 rolls of toilet paper.

357
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,496
936 rolls of toilet paper.

358
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,536
I can guarantee Jack wants to win

359
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,096
more than you, more than any
supporter,

360
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:55,080
because for him it's not just
entertainment, it's his whole life.

361
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,080
You were still shit.

362
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,856
What a prick.

363
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,976
Yeah, fair comment, though.
What?

364
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,496
Was shit in that game, like.

365
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,760
I'd been up all night playing
Fortnite.

366
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,176
Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.

367
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,136
Over there. Oh, my God.

368
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,136
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.

369
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,176
No way, Jack.

370
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,696
Are you in the team Saturday?
Yeah.

371
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,736
Wait, what's with all the toilet
roll, Jack?

372
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,816
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?

373
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,056
Yeah, have you got a bum problem
Jack?

374
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,136
What do you need all this for?
You got poo problems?

375
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,856
Oh, no, he's going to poo himself.
Look at...

376
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,376
Oh, he's embarrassed.

377
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,680
Fucking told you.

378
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,440
Gonna poo himself!

379
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,176
That's exactly what I was worried
about. Come on.

380
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,576
Who cares? They're just kids.

381
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,296
Kids who think you've got a bum
problem, which is embarrassing.

382
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,456
They filmed it too. Oh, no!
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.

383
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,896
You poo, everyone poos. It's not
weird.

384
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,256
It's not like you're Petey and

385
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,296
you've got a windsock for a
foreskin.

386
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,640
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.

387
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:16,200
OK, well, probably haven't got
that many followers anyway.

388
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,720
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.

389
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,416
You just move in?

390
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,880
Yeah, about two years ago.

391
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,936
Oh, shit. I'd best text the
landlord.

392
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,496
To change a light bulb?

393
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,176
Yeah, course.

394
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,936
Can I get a glass of water?

395
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,560
Water in the tap.

396
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,120
No glasses? No.

397
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,456
This is what you guys do all day?

398
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,856
Play PlayStation?
Normally, yeah.

399
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,736
Well, in Kansas,
they'd fill our time for us,

400
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,136
like we'd have
double training sessions or study.

401
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,776
Of course, we do a lot of charity
work.

402
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,616
We do charity stuff all the time.

403
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,616
Always visiting the kids at the
hospital.

404
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,016
I swear I know every single sick kid
within 50 miles.

405
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,616
The maddest thing is, they only care
about the star names.

406
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,936
They don't care about up-and-coming
talent.

407
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,696
Last time I went, that kid
literally rolled his eyes at me.

408
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,416
I think that was a seizure.

409
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,776
Yeah. My days! You're butters on
this, Jack.

410
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,376
Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.

411
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,776
Fuck me, you're slow!

412
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,776
I mean, you are slow but not that
slow.

413
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,416
Yeah, so slow I made the squad
for the game tomorrow and you never.

414
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,576
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting
in the stands

415
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,976
if I'm sitting next
to a smoking-hot Instachick.

416
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,936
Wow, she is so disproportionately
attractive compared to you.

417
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,736
Yeah, at the game she'll get the
full VIP treatment

418
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,216
and then after the game she'll get
the full V-I-penis treatment.

419
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,376
Round your mum's house?

420
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,736
No. No, no, no. No.

421
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,096
Getting some fresh wheels delivered
tomorrow.

422
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,376
Going to drive her home. Perfect
gent.

423
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,016
And then she's going to be like,

424
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,176
"Want to come in for some coffee,
Benji?"

425
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,776
I'm going to be like,
"Only if it's decaf, babes."

426
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,536
"Sleep's important for recovery."

427
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,456
And then she's going to be like,
"I meant come in for sex."

428
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,336
Then I'm going to say,
"Don't mind if I do, babes."

429
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,656
"Don't mind if I do."

430
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,176
And there you have it.

431
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,696
A night of Mum-free sex.

432
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,536
As opposed to the usual Mum-included
sex?

433
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,616
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you guys something,

434
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,576
and don't take this as a weakness
on my part,

435
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,656
but do you think that Cesare
might have signed me by mistake?

436
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,656
Don't know. I mean, how shit are
you?

437
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,096
Tricky for me to answer.

438
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,416
I mean, I am a professional
footballer, so there's that.

439
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,696
Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.

440
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,976
Kansas.

441
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,816
Oh, they're bad.

442
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,096
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are
you?

443
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,576
No, you're not there. No card.

444
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,216
What? Must be an old version.

445
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,096
It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't
updated it yet.

446
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,736
Updated it this morning.

447
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,496
You don't exist on FIFA?
Is that even possible?

448
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,616
I think I really need to talk to
Cesare. Yes!

449
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,936
Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just
press the button.

450
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,896
No, I need to see the replay
and the full celebration.

451
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,696
Just press it, will you?

452
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,440
Yeah. Tomorrow.

453
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,176
Huge game for Cesare's men

454
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,616
if they want to avoid losing
four home games on the bounce.

455
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,496
We've got to win this.

456
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,136
Every game is huge for us now.

457
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,456
It's a must-win.

458
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,896
Come on, boys. Come on!

459
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,376
Ref?!

460
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,520
You knobhead.

461
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,936
Can you see what Cesare's doing?

462
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,816
Yes, managing a team. It's a
match.

463
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,576
Those notes in those books. God, I

464
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,976
would love to know what he's writing
in them.

465
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,680
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan -
he's not even on FIFA."

466
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,376
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.

467
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,520
We're skiving off. Don't tell
anyone.

468
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,400
Jack, get stripped. You're on.

469
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,216
Yes, go on, boy. Yes, Jack.

470
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,296
Whoo!

471
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,960
Come on, Jack!

472
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,200
Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan.

473
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,936
Jack Turner, just on, and

474
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,136
his first touch is to take this
corner.

475
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,336
And the fans must be

476
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,336
wondering what's happening at this
club.

477
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,456
What's one more loss, eh?

478
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,136
I genuinely hate this team.

479
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,976
We go again! Come on!

480
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,216
Er, guys, is the boss here?

481
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,016
Ow! Fu...

482
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,936
Did you tell some kids
I've got a long foreskin?

483
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,896
Yes, to illustrate a point.

484
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,056
I can't really...

485
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,536
At least you're not naked this time.

486
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,336
Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin.

487
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,600
Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.

488
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,600
I want you out! You're bad luck!

489
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,456
Where's Mattie?

490
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,176
He's hiding in the cupboard.

491
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,936
Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled.
Not your foreskin, obviously

492
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,400
that would take too long.

493
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,536
Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.

494
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,016
I'm sorry, the kids said they'd
share the video about Jack,

495
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,616
but I didn't know they'd mention.

496
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,696
Petey's foreskin. Please don't be
angry.

497
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,736
I am angry about that, but it can
wait.

498
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,480
Now you've got to see the boss.

499
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,640
I'm scared of Petey.

500
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,256
I'll look after you.

501
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,136
You said you would stab me in the
back.

502
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,640
Oh, I will, but not right now.

503
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,720
There's my big brave boy. Come on.

504
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,760
Signor Cesare?

505
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,136
Hey, Mattie.

506
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,680
Mattie, come.

507
00:22:58,720 --> 00:22:59,976
Have a glass.

508
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,976
Enjoy with me.

509
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,096
It's OK.

510
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,160
You're a good boy.

511
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,016
Values.

512
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,376
Sorry?

513
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,456
Values, Mattie.

514
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,576
When I come to England, I respect
values.

515
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,456
I build.

516
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,696
I succeed... I think. Do you think?

517
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,416
Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.

518
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,976
Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been
amazing.

519
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,056
As a kid, I dreamt of playing for
you.

520
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,496
I nearly fainted when my agent told
me about your interest.

521
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,576
Yes, yes, always before... manager
come,

522
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,736
"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,

523
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,376
"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!"
for 90 minuto.

524
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,976
Then cry with press if I don't shake
hand.

525
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,896
Then fuck off home!

526
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,496
I'm not wop prick.

527
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,880
They prick.

528
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,576
Like I said, I always dreamt
of playing for you.

529
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,256
Never really thought I had what it
took to play Cesare-ball.

530
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,816
But you must have seen something.

531
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,216
Yes. You come from Academy.

532
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,376
Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was
just signed from Kansas this week.

533
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,896
Yes?

534
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,320
Yes. Oh.

535
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,576
Something I remember,
something I don't remember.

536
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,176
Too many things
to write down all the time.

537
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,576
Well, you're famous for it.

538
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,296
I mean, all those notes
over all those years.

539
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,616
And I hope to coach one day and...
Hey, Mattie,

540
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:24,640
if you speak this much,
I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?

541
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,296
You are a smart boy.

542
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,680
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Please, please sit down, erm

543
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,616
I do have one question for you,
though.

544
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,360
Kind of a big question for me.

545
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,096
Why did you sign me?

546
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,736
Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?

547
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,416
No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you
wouldn't even think like that.

548
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,096
I'm just such a left-field choice,
and... Sorry.

549
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,816
I didn't mean to ask. I'm just
nervous and-and out of my depth.

550
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,776
Or not. Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I was a stats decision.

551
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,496
But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so

552
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,840
how did you find me and what did you
see in me? Why did you want me?

553
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,216
I fucked up.

554
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,616
I'm sorry.

555
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,056
How can I ask a legend like you
these questions?

556
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,720
I am a piece of shit.

557
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,800
I'm going.

558
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:16,896
Oh...

559
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,576
Er, no. Oh, God.

560
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,896
Er, no, no, no, no.

561
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,936
Er, sir, please don't be dead.
Er... er...

562
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,200
Oh.

563
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,816
No, you're alive. Of course you're
not dead.

564
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,520
I just... bored you to sleep.

565
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,056
Nice. Good work, Mattie.

566
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,080
Well, OK, thank you for your time.

567
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,816
Sudoku.

568
00:25:58,840 --> 00:25:59,880
Great.

569
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,200
What a fucking mess.

570
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,616
Everything all right?
Actually, not sure.

571
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,176
One minute we were talking,
next minute he fell asleep.

572
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,256
Yeah, he has a low tolerance
for boring people.

573
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,896
Goodnight, Mattie.

574
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,680
Yeah. Great. Goodnight.

575
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,080
Mo, can you and Raul come up?

576
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,880
Yep, out like a light.
You'll have to carry him again.

577
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,800
No, he looks dry down there.

578
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,256
And this is where we park the cars.

579
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:37,456
Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great
night. Shame about the result.

580
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,256
Bet you didn't expect to be sitting
next to two coppers, did you?

581
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,656
No, that's not what I expected.
Benji Achebe?

582
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,656
Yeah. Got your new car. Ah! Oh!

583
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,216
Not another uninsured Bentley, I
hope. No, no, no.

584
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,656
Learnt my lesson. You're going to
love this, babe, promise.

585
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,296
Yeah? Yeah, come on.

586
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,696
Not you two... Oh, fine.

587
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,600
Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!

588
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,776
Whoo! Bit of a step-down, Benji.

589
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,096
Best of both worlds. I mean, it

590
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,496
looks the shit, but with affordable
insurance, huh?

591
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,816
Now, if you'll excuse us, officers,
we've got to roll.

592
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,496
Is this for real?
I thought you had a Bentley.

593
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,096
Come on, I'll explain later. Just...

594
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,856
Presumably you've registered
the colour change with the DVLA.

595
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,736
With who? Changing the colour of a

596
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,216
car without informing the DVLA is
illegal.

597
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,416
But it's the original colour
underneath.

598
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,776
Yeah, that don't matter. It's

599
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,776
visible colour. You can't drive
this.

600
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,816
Is this some joke ting?
No joke ting.

601
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,216
What about the VIP tickets? The
dinner?

602
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,456
Attempting to bribe a police officer
is punishable

603
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,136
with up to ten years in prison.
What?

604
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,576
No, I didn't. No, I was just..

605
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,376
Mate, we're winding you up.

606
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,256
See? Old Bill can banter too.

607
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,296
See you later, mate.

608
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,936
So can I drive this home, yeah?

609
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,320
No!

610
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,936
All right, help me pick this off.

611
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,176
It can't take us more than, what,
20 minutes?

612
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,256
I am not wasting a �40 manicure
on a shitty Ford Focus.

613
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:56,696
Call an Uber.

614
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,096
I can't. That's another story.

615
00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,656
You can't even get an Uber?

616
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,256
For the duration of that journey,

617
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,736
that's my car, and I barely spilled
any.

618
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:05,376
Can't you call it?

619
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,896
Yeah. I can.

620
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,016
An Uber for one. Bye.

621
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,016
Yeah. Bye.
I can pay you back. Come on.

622
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,896
They don't even make Ubers for
one. Oh, piss off!

623
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,816
Ah, second-hand toilet paper.
Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand.

624
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,736
Oh, they'll forget all about that.
What, the fans? Never.

625
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,976
Not until the day you retire.
Then not even after that.

626
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,136
Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be
giving you rolls of toilet paper.

627
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,216
Oh, sound. How are we getting home
again?

628
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,456
Here, help me pick this off
and I'll give you a lift.

629
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,680
Can't take us more than, what, four
hours?

630
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,936
How was your chat with Cesare,
then? Yeah, good.

631
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,416
Still got that fire, hasn't he?

632
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,936
Don't know. Not understood a word
he's said in five years.

633
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,216
Oh, this is wrong, man!
I'm going to drive it anyway.

634
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,616
Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.

635
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,200
Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.

636
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,936
Ha-ha! I'm a genius.

637
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,096
If they can't see the colour, they
can't tell me it's the wrong colour.

638
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,216
Could work.
It's not going to work.

639
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,936
Hey, that's about six months' worth
of toilet paper you've used.

640
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,720
I'll roll it up again after I get
home.

641
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,520
Oh, allow it, man. Told you.

642
00:29:08,570 --> 00:29:13,120
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0